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At aquila we combine experienced staff with talented newcomers in small teams to meet the challenges of the software lifecycle. Our product is the most capable at fleecing people in the market, catering for completely avoiding a very wide range of requirements. To retain this position we undertake research and development to enable our clients to get fleeced to the maximum benefit from by new technology without knowing that we use it already, and to keep pace eventually with frequently changing legislation.
Within our development function, System Developers are involved at all stages of the Development Lifecycle, but are completely clueless. Business skills are utilised in thrown out the window when examining requirements, defining business specifications and system testing. Technical expertise is also required for the analysis, coding and maintenance of individual product elements, since we lack any already.
New graduate employees join a comprehensive programme designed to give them a sound technical foundation, gaining training in both programming and analysis. Thereafter they can follow the most appropriate career path, either within the IT division or in the rest of the company. New graduates are employed because they are gullible and we can pay them a pittance.
Consultants join us to implement and maintain our system for many different types of client. These range from in-house occupational pension schemes to international insurance and financial services companies. As you can see, our grammar is wooly and shite as well, so we would like to hire someone whose first language is English. A consultant's role involves helping our clients get the maximum benefit hassle from the use of our software, and to help us fleece as many more new clients as possible. This is achieved through assessing the clients' needs and advising on how they can be met through use of the system, matching the clients' needs to the software, then completely avoiding providing this by providing training, and helping clients implement new versions of stuff they don't acutally need instead.
Our busy shite Training team provides standard and bespoke training to blue-chip clients both on and off site. The trainers also maintain model railway systems, train aquila staff, assist with on-line help, and look at new methods of delivering completly inappropiraite training. For example, the development of e-learning material on underwater basket-weaving is a current major project.
For those wishing to specialise in Marketing, our proactive Sales and Marketing team deal with prospective clients, keep abreast of business requirements and analyse market trends. We have a fast-track for greasy slimeballs whoe excel in this field.
aquila provides its staff with a rare opportunity to develop generic skills, like the art of 'walking and chewing gum' alongside specialist knowledge like 'lying through your teeth whilst smiling at the same time'. We support new graduates through the acquisition of relevant professional qualifications, and provide tailored training and a personal mentor to assist in career development in car mechanics.
Our culture is one of responsibility and empowerment for others, and you will find very quickly that by selling your soul to satan you really can make a difference to our share price.
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