I have been watching in awe recently about the french… they were all so friendly when they got invaded by the Germans, but then they started testing nuclear weapons, and now they are slightly miffed about going to war with Iraq. I decided to do a little digging into the french military record…

Gallic Wars

Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War

Mostly lost, saved at last minute by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; “France’s armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Oh, and she was sainted.

Italian Wars

Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion

France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

Thirty Years War

France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Revolution

Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaus.

The Dutch War

Tied

War of the Augsburg League/King William’s War/French and Indian War

Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession

Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution

In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as “de Gaulle Syndrome”, and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; “France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution

Won. But primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars

Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War

Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France’s ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I

Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States (Oh, and the Brits may have had a hand in that as well). Thousands of French women find out what it’s like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn’t call her “Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline (Possibly a plus here though).

World War II

Lost. Conquered French liberated by Britain and the States just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina

Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

Algerian Rebellion

Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; “We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of warfare for the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Eskimos.

War on Terrorism

France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald’s.

So, I order this new fangled ADSL… I was told my exchange would be converted and available November 5th… I order on October 24th… You’d think that given that I orders far enough in advance that I would be able to get the thing when it “becomes available”.

Once again, BT and their marketing ploys… national advertising for a product that only covers 20% of the country, technically correct wording that makes it seem like they are actually doing stuff or actually being a benefit to their customers.

Talking of timing… this whole American War on Terrorism makes me laugh. To justify the spending in the defense sector, they have to have a war every few years. Now, given that America has the satellites in orbit that can read the label in Saddam’s turban, You’d think they’d be able to find him… or at least watch where he went when he left. But then, why were they advertising the fact that they were going to invade a week or so before they did…

Maybe, CNN don’t broadcast in Bagdad, but they do have telephones… a slip by CNN perhaps… no. it was to give the rabbit enough time to pack a few suitcases, burn all the evidence, and move about 12 tonnes of bullion out of the way. The reason… So that he could ‘get away’ and America could justify spending billions on hunting him down with the billions of dollars worth of new military gadgets they had spent the last 10 years since the gulf inventing.

Of all the things to spend money on… a pack of playing cards… Is this not the ultimate insult… making a game, a gambling game out of the ‘War on Terror’… a game of Gin anyone…

Have you noticed however, that, just like in World War 2, the yanks didn’t get involved until Pearl Harbour… o.k. to be fair they sent us supplys, and a couple pilots, but only when the Japs invaded Pearl Harbour did they finally get round to the War on 1940’s Terror.

You gotta admit though, baby Bush does have balls… going in even though the Europeans wanted to just ‘Talk’ and ‘Sanction’ the Iraqis. And them sneaky bloody French trying to get the brits kicked out of their gang… If it were up to the French Europe would have already surrendered to Iraq.

People say that Tony Blair, ‘Bushs Puppet’, is a spineless twat… I’m not actually sure thats true… o.k. he’s destroying a once great nation, but to disobey the European directives and go with the yanks, that either takes mammoth ka-hones or absolute stupidity and total geographical unawareness, coupled with an economical deathwish. Considering that 50% of the british nation is at most 150 miles away from Europe… America… the continent… 2500 miles…

K, I’m done for now