• Bird – while discussing animals of the class Chordata Aves.
• Beaver – leave dam building to the civil engineers
• Black – describing the colour darker than 99% gray.
• Camp – while discussing where your child went with the scouts this week.
• Chick – denoting the young of a bird the class Chordata Aves.
• Chink – when describing the damage to your armour from your weekend hobby of historic battle enactments.
• Cock – when discussing the new addition to your new chicken breeding program to beat the recession.
• Dyke – again, dam related discussions are best left to civil engineers
• Gash – when describing the mark on your car where you drove into the bollards in the car park.
• Gay – describing someone as happy.
• Faggot – while discussing your meal from last night.
• Fairy – describing the type of washing up liquid you use
• Ho – regarding the garden utensils you have in your shed
• Hooker – when describing your smoking habits or the rugga at the weekend.
• Mongoloid – while talking about origins of a person from the specific region in South East Asia.
• Pansy – describing horticulture at it’s finest.
• Retard – describing the braking system in some new hybrid cars.
• Spastic – a common affliction of one’s colon.
• Tit – an ornithological reference to Cyanistes caeruleus
• Tranny – referring to the wheels and gearbox of your 1975 Ford Mustang

But it gets even better than that. There are some Indian names that sound exactly the same as Russian swear words – WHAT ARE WE TO DO!!!! Luckily Russians are a little more progressing when it comes to politics (Hmmm… )

I think this is the Achilles heel/heal of the political correctness lobby. You cannot enforce political correctness complaints because context is such an important part of our language. And in the event someones name offends you, who’s problem is that!!!

Also, if I come from a background of yobs, then it is my upbringing that means I swear. You cannot demean me either can you?

And what about the Jihad? do we arrest them on terrorism laws, or political correctness issues for persecuting the people they just blew up!

All of you retarded, spastic tranny faggots and black beavered camp chicks can all go and kiss my politically incorrect cock, and don’t forget to bring all your pansy mongoloid tit ho buddies with you!

I would drag my dick through three miles of broken glass just to hear her fart through a walkie talkie.

That is just plain beautiful.

These are words that you cannot say properly without guesswork or knowing the context, since the same written word has 2 completly different meanings, let alone pronounciations, for example:

Polish

• The noun meaning denoting being from poland
• The verb meaning to buff up to a shine

Read

• The act of interpreting something that is written or printed
• The past tense of the above

The use of “Ough”

This is a really annoying part of the English Language why does this have so many ways of being pronounced. 

• Thought
• Though
• Thorough
• Through
• Enough
• Cough
• Hiccough (Pronounced Hiccup – but originally correctly spelt hiccough until idiots got hold of the english language… o.k. more idiots, after those that spelt it like that in the first place)

I read a really cool essay on simplification of the english language once, and I can’t seem to find it any more… I’ll see if I can dig out out. But the other issue we have as a by-product of this madness is demonstrated in the following sentence – Count number of letter ‘F’s.

Finished Files are the result of years of Scientific study combined with the experience of years.

I bet you didn’t get all 6 of them, and I bet you missed most of the ‘of’s since we say it “ov” and when reading we are trying to interpret what we are saying not analysing the text.

Those of you who know me will know that I don’t really listen to every word that is said in a sentence so I can multi task quite effectively, however before I honed the skill my brain would fill in the gaps with words that were topical for whatever reason… this tended to lead to some pretty interesting selective hearing issues.

It was my second or so trip to the good ole U.S of A and after a 7 hour flight in cattle class I was somewhat jet-lagged. Standing in the immigration line I heard a woman shout “I’m not black, if I can I’ll marry Ken”

A couple of things occurred to me, first, who the hell is Ken, and by the way lady, you are black – I’m English and on our forms … oh, African American!!!

You can imagine the branding board. Hmm, if we blame the fishermen for the death of the dolphins, we’d have to do something about it, I know, lets blame the tuna for the way people hunt it.

Besides, all canned tuna is dolphin friendly… well, unless you throw a can actually at a dolphin, but generally a small chunk of a dead fish cannot hurt a dolphin – oh, sorry, I forgot, there is the choke hazard as well.

There is another interesting angle. Apart from all the turtles and other porpoises that are being caught instead of dolphins, what about the over farming of tuna itself. Tuna is being caught in unsustainably high numbers that soon we will have no tuna left to be friendly to dolphins with. What we need is tuna friendly tuna. It’s probably a good job Linda McCartney is dead or we would probably have more sawdust based products filling our shelves.

Hey, no dolphins were hurt in the writing of this item so that makes it dolphin friendly to.

Back from holiday and I’m already becoming agitated! I want fewer of these crap damit!

So Brain storming.  What’s wrong with that I hear you ask, well apparently it may offend a child with epilepsy.

I heard the other day that there is a list of words that teachers are not actually allowed to use in classrooms any more… Obviously words like cock, twat, fuck etc all appear from my childhood, but “Brain storming” is on it as well.

What’s next… can’t use black board, not allowed spastic, hell, soon “class room” may be offensive to pikey agoraphobics, then we are totally screwed.

Gordy, gordy gordy… there is protecting children and then there is taking the fucking piss.

 Now, we are not allowed to be prejudice in case we offend someone, but what the F!!

Luckily the English language (and its use in the youth of today) seems to keep a healthy step ahead of the fascist correctness brigade and my favorite word of the moment is “Tard“. Originally coined (in my life anyhow) by a 12 year old, and then passed on to a buddy of mine I feel the need to use this word a whole lot. The urban dictionary has 2 really good explanations of this…

Adjective used to describe one so retarded, they do not deserve the ‘re’

and

Any person who is not developmentally disabled, but rather has what is considered normal cognitive faculties but for whatever reason has opted out of using it.

It has gotten so bad that whilst discussing some things with a buddy of mine, I have discovered that “mongoloid” is also a bad term. Now, see, I thought “mong” was the reference to the downs freaks, and looking it up, it seems that I am correct is my belief that “mongoloid” refers to the distinctive appearance of East Asian peoples in the same way that “caucasoid” refers to us honkey, white bread crackers.

Heaven forbid that we ever use the word “nig-nog” ever again like in my old mans day… By the way, that’s an “up-north” term (allegedly). Hell, even “up-north” will be illegal soon.

Funny how the world works.

The barleycorn was used as a measurement of length in early Anglo-Saxon times, now, generally accepted as one third of an inch.

Therefore your average person walks at approximately 127,733,760 barleycorns per fortnight.

2 miles per hour
== 10,560 feet per hour
== 126,720 inches per hour
== 380,160 barleycorns per hour
== 9,123,840 barleycorns per day
== 63,866,880 barleycorns per week
== 127,733,760 barleycorns per fortnight

And, to answer the question

A barleycorn per fortnight is 3.91439 x 10^-9 mph

Interestingly, a poppy seed is a quarter of a barleycorn.