I have been silent on the issues unfolding in the Gulf of Mexico but I can no longer sit idly by while BP take s a right royal shafting by everyone with a shaft to poke. While I have no doubt that BP is big enough and ugly enough to take care of itself, and I have no doubt that they will survive this, there are a few things I would like to get off my not unsizeable chest.

Ok, first thing to say is that someone fucked up. I don’t think anyone is disputing that. What annoys me though is that everyone apart from BP is running round, falling over themselves to get out of the way and point at other people. BP is also pointing fingers, but at least they are trying to fix the issue; not to mention the fact that there were no BP employees on the rig that blew up, BP didn’t build the rig, or pipework, or the Blow out Preventer, in fact I’m surprised the US administration and Obama-fuck-face himself hasn’t blamed BP for being self centred in trying to save as much oil and gas as possible so it can save money through its resale.

I have a really radical idea… Why can’t we fix the problem first, then go about blame storming?

So, the Paxman (knob) Show last night was a little enlightening. Apparently the US secretary of tea and cake wants to hold BP liable for the losses all oil companies will incur because of the moratorium on deep water drilling that the US government is imposing. I was speechless for some time after this laughable comment, well it would have been hilarious had the guy not been serious. I think that next on his list is blaming BP for the second world war, killing so many people with the 2 atom bombs dropped on Japan, and keeping aliens a secret from the world. Fucknut!

And what about O-fuck-face. I didn’t really like him when he got in, I mean he had some great ideas, but since he got in he’s done very little except annoy the American people – a notably worthwhile past-time in my book. This is his way or at least showing that he’s on their side I suppose. One of his best quotes was around him firing BP’s Chief Executive Officer – Tony Hayward. The interesting thing here is that while O-fuck-face is in charge of a country, he has never run a company and personally, I think that shows as the guy can’t lead a horse to water if they were both on a 4 meter wide island with no trees on it in the middle of a fresh water lake. Fucknut!

I can understand why the Americans prefer Lord Brown over Tony Hayward as they love soaps so much. Lord Brown was a great orator, and to be fair, Tony Hayward is not. He does come across as quiet and unassuming, and this is possibly a bad thing in a crisis. I suppose the Americans would rather he stood up and lied convincingly? I’m not really sure how that helps, but it’s a strategy I suppose. Kind of like the strategy of putting an American in Tony’s place: sure, an American would understand the issues facing the US, but Americans are not really known for their tolerance of other nations, and America is only about 25% of BP’s deployment and accounts for 33% of its oil sales. If BP were to sell all it’s US assets it would be amazingly rich for a while, but the US would have a real problem. It already imports some 4.4 million barrels of crude and petroleum products per day (against 5.3 million barrels per day made in the US) and imports would increase significantly until Exxon Mobil could replace all the bespoke/specialist BP kit with their own. Fucknuts!

The best one yet is that the US is trying to get an injunction to stop BP from paying a dividend to their share holders worldwide. What’s the US going to do, invade the UK to try and force its laws on us – Guess what America, we actually DO have weapons of mass destruction, so fuck you – bring it on you slags! Fucknuts!

Once BP, the few small outfits that have volunteered, and the other outfits that have been forced to help actually fix this, then the investigation into the reasons why it occurred will find the truth. I think that BP will take the moral high-ground and not go around saying they told you so (read that as spineless). BP has been sorely let down by everyone, by it’s own chairman and board, by the UK government, by the government of the country it’s trying to help, and most interestingly their peers in the oil industry who could leverage that help for years. Fucknuts!

The thing that keeps amusing me through all of this is that BP is throwing cash at this issue like it’s going out of fashion, and people still want more. There’s O-fuck-face saying that BP will be held financially accountable, yet BP has already paid way in excess of financial cap put into US LAW by an American administration in order to save an American company in the 90s. Fucknuts!

A quick note to all BP employees, I hope your CEO doesn’t step down becasue of this, and in a few years you’ll be able to walk round america with your heads held high. For anyone who gives you crap about working for BP, the justified response is “Go fuck yo mama!”

Why the science candidate is standing for Parliament

Until the comment about “Wouldn’t you want to know that decisions are being made with by people who ‘do so from a position of scientific understanding’”

Now, see, it was just them and us to start with, god vs science, but then you had to throw in some politics and now I’m aggravated. Let me start by saying that I’m a firm believer in the majority of science having a PhD myself, but probably not for the reasons scientists usually bang on about. Predictability and provability. Lets discuss.

Predictability
So the scientists argue that they can predict with a fair amount of certainty the outcome of a lot of physical problems. For example the complicated science of sending things to orbit Jupiter or land on the moon (assuming we did actually go there). I agree this is pretty radical thinking, but then what about the prediction that if you go to Las Vegas you’re gonna end up poor. Or, if you play chase the ace or find the lady, you will loose. Ahhhh I hear you say, those last 2 are rigged. And, there are people who win the lottery or huge at craps… but they are the exception… and an exception to science?… Given this example of space, you’d think it’d be a pretty simple thing to land a little robot on the surface of Mars, but we only seem to be in the high 60% success range for that.. only just above pure chance.

Provability
God doesn’t exist because no-one can prove that he does. However science is real because someone has proved that stuff does what it does because… well, just because. I can’t prove anything about quantum mechanics because I don’t have the equipment to do it**. Therefore I have to trust that the guy telling me there is an equation that proves it… there’s some faith here!!! I can prove the existence of god in the same way. Take some LSD you’ll see him for yourself, and it’s only the scientists that say LSD is an hallucinogen, and what you see is not actually real – of course they’re gonna say that.

** Oh, also they are called theoretical particles for a reason!

Beliefs
So, having just proven that science is a belief, it is no better or worse than religion. People follow it because they can prove to themselves to their own level of satisfaction that it is the right thing to do.

Politics
Surely no-one cares how you make your decision, whether it be science, ouija board or divine voice; the people will let you represent them if they believe you have their best interests at heart. Scientists will agree with you, those where science has abandonned them will follow the other guy.

So, Mr PhD Brooks do your thing, represent your constituents and stop belittling your opposition and their beliefs, unless that’s all you’ve really got. Oh, and stop using your publication ability to further your political intentions. I’m sure that’s illegal somewhere. Get back to writing about science.

Bootnote: If people wanted value for money, they’d stop shelling out for stupid reports and sack half the middle management in local government… just for a start!!! Alternative therapy does help a lot of people… way more than the visible side of politics ever did!

I work for a large company that prides itself on being a “diverse and inclusive” employer, and even has a “Code of Conduct” for all employees that means you can get the sack if you are in any way ‘negatively discriminant’… positive discrimination though – that’s finer than the finest fine thing on a fine day in Fineville!!

So the company I work for, somehow managed to get a ‘womans’ network. Why? Are we no longer supporting our “Code of Conduct”? Or are women still so inadequate that they need support?

They probably get round the ‘Diversity’ issue by supporting pretty women, ugly women, fat women, skinny women and lesbians – and get round any ‘inclusion’ issues by “inviting” men to come along.

Or, are women playing on the “Code of Conduct” has the acronym “COC” so does not apply to them?

Because of the economic situation, our company also has the slogan “Spend company money like you would your own”… If this hypocrisy is allowed to continue, I’m gonna start buying shares in Brantano cuz it looks like we may be taking them over soon.

Poor diddums. There are a few points though that have aggravated me slightly.

I have been on holiday for the last couple of weeks and I go back on Monday, but already I am not sleeping because of fear and dread of the mess I will be going back to – The two faced hypocrisy, the double standards and the shite they call “Communication”… but then I read this shite in the Guardian and I think to myself… what a wonderful world… oh, no, hang on, didn’t mean to get all “Louis Armstrong” on you, sorry about that.

Point 1a. When Gordy makes a phone call, there is a press release… hmm… ok, When Barack receives this phone call they issue a press release… were is this going to end… When Gordy phones his missus is there a press release? What about the bowel motions of the leader of this great nation, I don’t seem to remember the press office issuing anything on the state of the porcelain after Gordy’s trip to India (that’s a curry related link there – just so you know )

Point 1b. Although the US press release understands the fact it’s up to the Scottish, Barack is “disappointed” about the release of Megrahi. Ok, fine, but why is this newsorthy? Well, if one is disappointed, then fair enough, but if you are “disappointed”, well this is a different kettle of fish. The quotes around the word mean that “although I say the words, you know what I mean really (nudge nudge, wink wink) but I’m not allowed to say ‘Fucking Outraged’ in case I offend you”. So, does this mean that Barack is having a bit of a poke at Gordy? Well back off USA, he’s our village idiot, and only we can take the piss. (Oh, Ironically he is Scottish, and didn’t I read somewhere about an oil deal with Libya… nah, must be coincidence)

Point 2. the ’special’ relationship. Gordy mentions that this is “as strong as ever”, but Barack didn’t mention it at all… ok, what special relationship is this? is it the one where we do whatever the US says? Well, that’s not every special for us because we are a piss-ant little nation with no spine in the leadership, and it’s certainly not special for the US because they expect every nation to capitulate to their interpretation of democracy. If the relationship was really ’special’ then they would send us their passport information, as well as us having to send them all of ours.

Point 3. Ed Davey is an arse. He said “al-Megrahi caused the outrage that has crossed continents and damaged our relationship with our closest ally, America.”… Hmm.. “closest Ally, America”… You fuckwit, Isn’t our closest ally actually Europe? Or at worst France?

Point 4. Nicholas Watt and Ewen MacAskill (the writers of the article), you are sexists arses. Spokesman and Spokeswoman? Really? Did you miss the memo about the gender neutral “Spokesperson” tag now? I think we could probably 90’s it up a bit though. Like the progression of “Chairman” -> “Chairperson” -> “Chair” this means the new word should be “Spokes” – how blingin is dat?

Now, I don’t mean to be a pooh, but it’s their chosen occupation to die for their country. And by the way, what would have happened if Brown had given the banking money to the army. Well, for a start the country would be bankrupt, so we wouldn’t need an army anyhow.

You could grumble that giving out bonuses with that money was a bad thing. But then again, if they hadn’t how many staff would have stayed on to run the banks. I do think it was wrong to give bonuses at the top. People that are that high up in the organisation should be held responsible on some form of performance contract. If your company does pants, so does your bonus. Being bailed out by the government would constitute a company performing badly. Also people should be held accountable. Was it the fault of the cashier who faces the public? Nope, so why should they be penalised.

I have a solution to 2 issues facing the nation. If you are found in possession of a weapon on the streets, then you should automatically be enlisted for 2 years national service. This will get crime of UK streets, and onto foreign streets where we don’t really care as well as provide adequate cannon fodder infantry for the army. Also, hoodies are known for their cunningness and guile so they will last longer on the field, as well as be able to steal the opponents weaponry that, allegedly, works better than our own stuff.

Imaging the reduction in costs as the military would effectively be self funding. You could send in the hoody brigade first to steal the weapons you need off the opponents to fight the battle – no need to buy your own weapons and ammo, and the added benefit that the opposing force would have less weapons to fight you with.

Now, this may all sound a little it’s  leading up to something a bit harsh, but first of all, the war isn’t over yet, and while soldiers don’t really get to choose the wars they fight, for our government this one was kind of optional. Soldiers also sign-up voluntarily in this country as I recall?

So, while bus drivers don’t get a hero’s welcome when they don’t crash on the high street, and police officers don’t get medals for making it through a shift without getting knifed, why should soldiers who are just coming home for a bit of a holiday from their chosen vocation get a parade?

Mind you, on the plus side, we have photos of the “muslim extremists” now so we can persicute them later.

Now ou wouldn’t normally worry about it so much if it were say, the Russians (known for loosing quite a few subs), or Americans (know for being generally incompetent) but the only 2 nations in the world that have a score to settle against each other? (well, is Israel really a nation? does Palestine really exist? does Afghanistan vs the resat of the known world really count… hmm… Ok, maybe I’m being a little elitist

Anyhow, long story short, 2 interesting points

• The English vessel was towed back, the French one made it back itself.
• If both ships were ordered to “silent running” which one disobeyed orders first during the collision?

Talking of insurance claims…

There we were at the lights waiting for the school of tuna crossing and we heard a large bang. Suddenly there was a bright light, we all had a near Cod experience and all became prawn again Cristians – Thanks Dom, you will be punn-ished later

What does the doctor have to say on this turn of events.

• Fuck Europe
• Fuck the Euro
• Fuck Gordon Brown
• Fuck Tony Blair
• Fuck New Labour
• Fuck Politics

and most importantly

Fuck off Brussels

We will probably get there in the end. I have a shitty red passport (although I am probably on most no-fly lists, and a fugitive from the Swaziland government) so it is basically inevitable. But does it mean I will be able to move to Germany and slouch of the state there? will it fuck. They have proper laws, and proper politics that protect it’s citizens. When moving to Europe will mean Britain values its citizens then you can unfuck all of the above, until then…

FUCK OFF!!!!!

Personally I would like to have seen hilary get it… Not in that way!!! But I guess someone who has a few bad days a month being in charge of the worlds foremost nuclear arsenal could be seen as a bad thing.

It’s interesting to note though, that a person who has a few bad days every month and a non-black black guy both outdid a decorated war pensioner in the popularity contest.