After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:

Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be very clear on my child’s illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint. I work at a hardware store and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This drawing is of me selling a shovel.

Mrs. Harrington

I went out on the town last night with some friends – hot friends, that I didn’t have to pay for this time !!!

I also mentioned I’d put a little bit of pink on the site today, so here ya go

Funny how the world works.

What is a birthday without a sing-song and balloons.

• Kids will go “Oh well, that’s that gig over, better get on with the homework”
• Kids will grow up faster and learn to abuse the system quicker and easier
• Kids will get more adults to buy stuff for them in ‘proper’ shops
• Kids will take to crime to pay for the increased prices
• Underage prostitution will increase to pay for the binging

This last point raises an interesting point. Technically prostitution is selling services for cash. Giving alcohol could be construed in this fashion, but there is a clinical need to remove the taste after a blow-job, so you could legalise prostitution on medical grounds…

Happy days.

Mankind is like a bad dose of planetary herpes. Once we pollute the planet enough the human race will kill itself off and cease to exist, leaving the planet to recover and only bear the scar of humanisation.

don’t think it’s true? The planet is 2.5 billion years old, it collided with another planet that became our moon and still survived. Think back to “the asteroid incident” 65 million years ago, killed off 95% of the species on the planet… the Earth… fine!

So if you’re that worried about the planet, end the suffering and go buy a huge V8 that does 2 miles to the gallon.

The search for happiness is like licking your own elbow: seems pretty simple to start with, but you nearly always end up falling off the sofa more times than you had anticipated.

The Chinese hostage negotiation handbook is a little simpler.

Step 1: The demands

Kidnapper cornered and has 3 demands or he will kill his hostage.

Step 2: Asess the situation

Getting close to the kidnapper and hostage (next door is pretty close), negotiators prepare for a battle of wits.

Step 3: Deploy the negotiator

In order to obtain the trust of the kidnapper, face to face neotiations are ofen more successful.

Step 4: Begin negotiations

Negotiations should begin quickly and prepare to last… oh, at least until the bullets run out.

Step 5: Negotiation concludes

Ah, there we go.

Step 6: Deal with the aftermath

Total cost to tax payer: Bullet – $2.50, 3 black bin bags – $1.00, Refuse collection on Wednesday – $18.00, bottle of domestos for sidewalk – $4.75, Therapy for victim (2 lollipops) – $1.00.

This has an interesting global side effect… If we just let global warming continue, then it will fix itself… admittedly this would most likely be after another ice age, but hell, in 70 years it’ll be someone else problem anyhow.