Anyhow, this story amused me no end today.

As an ex developer and business analyst of some 20 years the story starts with he age old hatred of the sales guy, and I immediately sided with Gerald. The story continues with the (also age old) story of half a dozen workable solutions being shot down for some idiotic reason or other and then finally ending up with a massively complex and costly solution… and the sting in the tail.. for a single user.

This reminds me of a recent project I was partly involved in. We had spend the best part of a year redesigning our server infrastructure to reduce the complexity and remove the incompatibility of multiple software applications interfering with each other. I was very proud of the solution – it was almost beautiful in its simplicity and resilience. A month or so later my utopia was sullied…

The management had announced that they had reviewed many Management Information applications and decided on one, and now that all the hard work of decision making and procurement had been done, all we had to do now was to install it and implement the needs of the business – apparently this should only take us a couple of weeks.

Hmmm….

Systems – Ok, can we please see your requirements?
Business – Errrrrrm, what’s that then?

Systems – Can we see the systems specs you need to run the software?
Business – Errrrrrrm, We’ll give you the contact details of the vendor.

<Sigh>

The really niggling thing was that we already had an in-house reporting tool that could connect to ANY data source and report on it. All that was needed was a simple input front end and some graphics on the output, which could be done with some macros in excel – an entire process that could have been performed in 1 month by 2 people. Instead we ended up spending several dozens of thousands of pounds on licensing a product that only just kinda outputs the same mess that we previously had just not quite as fast, and several months by a cast of dozens to implement the underlying implementation that we had to coerce because the application didn’t support what we wanted anyway.

The only reason I can see that this was done was that one person wasn’t able to use Excel.

But it’s even worse than that… the existing system aside, there are several well trained and qualified people around that ‘one person’ that would have cherished the opportunity to update the excel version at no real cost and in a fraction of the time.

You have to love “business”.

I work for a large company that prides itself on being a “diverse and inclusive” employer, and even has a “Code of Conduct” for all employees that means you can get the sack if you are in any way ‘negatively discriminant’… positive discrimination though – that’s finer than the finest fine thing on a fine day in Fineville!!

So the company I work for, somehow managed to get a ‘womans’ network. Why? Are we no longer supporting our “Code of Conduct”? Or are women still so inadequate that they need support?

They probably get round the ‘Diversity’ issue by supporting pretty women, ugly women, fat women, skinny women and lesbians – and get round any ‘inclusion’ issues by “inviting” men to come along.

Or, are women playing on the “Code of Conduct” has the acronym “COC” so does not apply to them?

Because of the economic situation, our company also has the slogan “Spend company money like you would your own”… If this hypocrisy is allowed to continue, I’m gonna start buying shares in Brantano cuz it looks like we may be taking them over soon.

Admittedly most of those that died in the plane crash were Americans, still I was under the impression that we had a justice system but this is starting to really get on my pecks. White collar crime where people are not harmed but corporate money is “borrowed” temporarily… 10 years and you do the lot. Murder 270 people… ah, well, you’re not well, so off you pop, hope you’ve learnt your lesson. The fucker hasn’t even served 9 years yet!

Screw compassion for the murdering arse. What about compassion for the victims? What about their families? What is this message saying?

In a society where people are terrorised into staying in their houses for fear of insult or attack and the strongest punishment for the yobs that cause this is an ASBO, it’s not really surprising that we are going to hell in a hand basket, but allowing this man to go home to his family and to be received as a hero of the nation because of what he did is sickening.

Next you’re gonna be telling me that Ian Brady is a reformed man – hell we let Myra Hindley out. Rose West anyone? She hasn’t been in jail very long. The next thing to hit the streets is that it will be against someone’s human rights to lock them up in the first place. Or locking them up causes “stress”. This is why I think they should have the following options:

• Prison for the rest of their lives;
• Euthanasia;
• Medical or scientific research trials;
• Celebrity death island.

I hope the Scottish government dissolves in a pile of it’s own vomit – the bunch of fucknuts.

Mind you, what are we getting from Lybia in return for this little deal?

There are various reports on how it kills you and a smidge of common sense will help you though the myriad of crap out there.

Please note: Dr Deviant is not a medical doctor. Please seek professional medical advise before taking up any of his suggestions. If you do take up any of his suggestions chances are that the medical advise you require is of the psychiatric variety.

You read things like “in a study of 30 students” and to be honest, what do 30 students tell you… they take drugs and eat pot noodles both of which contain far more dangerous stuff than the listed contents of Red Bull.

People who have adverse reactions to Red Bull generally have adverse reactions to cups of coffee as well – caffeine is actually a toxin and people are sensitive to it. Oral doses of caffeine greater than 10 grams can be fatal to an average adult. A can of Red Bull has the equivalent of just over a third of an average cup of coffee and it would take 312 and a half cans to do said damage to said adult. By the way, they have reduced the amount of caffeine in a can to it’s current level in about 2006!

Both Taurine and Glucuronolactone are either naturally occurring or naturally synthesised proteins that aid digestion and metabolism in humans. Searches in both the British Medical Journal and on the American Food and Drug Administration’s website have no health advisories for either of these substances. While there haven’t been any tests to see how many kilos of these substances it would take to kill someone (other than by dropping a pallet of them from a great height), prior to the introduction of these drinks there were no reported cases of death attributed to either substance or the manifestation of their effects on the human body – no-one accidentally digested themselves, and no-one accidentally thought themselves to death.

“Ah, but what about the binary poison effect!!!!” I hear the voices cry. Well, since they all exist in you at the same time when you have a cup of coffee, I’m assuming it’s a pretty safe combo.

“Ah, but people have died after drinking Red Bull!!!” – the same voices. Really? as I mentioned above, I bet they were also breathing after drinking the Red Bull and prior to their death… Seriously though, the “Publicised” deaths of 3 swedes in 1991, and the Irish basketball player in 1999 were actually linked to the caffeine and it’s effects in other areas… namely alcohol and exercise.

So in summary, how, EXACTLY, is Red Bull NOT good for you? don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it is good for you, but I don’t think it as lethal as… bleach, or carbon monoxide, or nicotine – all of which you breathe in every day whether you smoke or not. Hell, if you drink enough water that’ll kill you as well, and there is nearly twice as much sugar in a regular can of coke then there is in a can ofRed Bull. Loose the hype people, or provide factual evidence of its ability to cause death!!!

Anyhow, I have had 6 cans today and managed to write this article in 3.8 seconds… that can’t be bad

Do I drink it? Yes, because it’s sterile and I like the taste… sorry, wrong movie.

• Bird – while discussing animals of the class Chordata Aves.
• Beaver – leave dam building to the civil engineers
• Black – describing the colour darker than 99% gray.
• Camp – while discussing where your child went with the scouts this week.
• Chick – denoting the young of a bird the class Chordata Aves.
• Chink – when describing the damage to your armour from your weekend hobby of historic battle enactments.
• Cock – when discussing the new addition to your new chicken breeding program to beat the recession.
• Dyke – again, dam related discussions are best left to civil engineers
• Gash – when describing the mark on your car where you drove into the bollards in the car park.
• Gay – describing someone as happy.
• Faggot – while discussing your meal from last night.
• Fairy – describing the type of washing up liquid you use
• Ho – regarding the garden utensils you have in your shed
• Hooker – when describing your smoking habits or the rugga at the weekend.
• Mongoloid – while talking about origins of a person from the specific region in South East Asia.
• Pansy – describing horticulture at it’s finest.
• Retard – describing the braking system in some new hybrid cars.
• Spastic – a common affliction of one’s colon.
• Tit – an ornithological reference to Cyanistes caeruleus
• Tranny – referring to the wheels and gearbox of your 1975 Ford Mustang

But it gets even better than that. There are some Indian names that sound exactly the same as Russian swear words – WHAT ARE WE TO DO!!!! Luckily Russians are a little more progressing when it comes to politics (Hmmm… )

I think this is the Achilles heel/heal of the political correctness lobby. You cannot enforce political correctness complaints because context is such an important part of our language. And in the event someones name offends you, who’s problem is that!!!

Also, if I come from a background of yobs, then it is my upbringing that means I swear. You cannot demean me either can you?

And what about the Jihad? do we arrest them on terrorism laws, or political correctness issues for persecuting the people they just blew up!

All of you retarded, spastic tranny faggots and black beavered camp chicks can all go and kiss my politically incorrect cock, and don’t forget to bring all your pansy mongoloid tit ho buddies with you!

What am I jibber jabbering on about? The recent outing from work via facebook. But the doctors opinion? If you are so fucking stupid that you are able to get caught by this then you need some more chlorine in your gene pool.

The best bit is though, that all of these people were grassed up by so called “friends”.

The way to get round this trick you imbecilic morons is also simple. When you go in for your lobotomy, just put a status in facebook “Off on a sickie today”. When your sister gives birth to your child and you get paternity leave, put “Abducted by Aliens”. When you are allowed holiday use “Wooo! an entire 2 weeks of sickies!”. Most important of all… when you are genuinely off on a sickie, for fuck sake, don’t put it on facebook.

As for having mates that will grass you up, I have no cure for that. You are an idiot.

In this article on “the register” they were rambling on about the distortion due to the way google stitches the images together and at the bottom decided that, well…

When you click on the link though, Google have removed the offensive bast’d!!

But if you move up the road a bit and zoom back into the lamp-post, he’s still there

Anyhow, why you ask is the Doctor concerned by all this? Well doesn’t anybody wonder what happened to all those people after WWII and the crazy occult experiments conducted by the Nazi scientists… and the mind control experiments of the US “project Ultra”? Is this hidden level just preparation for the global population for a Zombie outbreak?

Just don’t buy a Microsoft XBox, firstly they are made by Microsoft, secondly they are crap, and finally they are for pussies, gays and lazy arse fucknuts. If you want to meet up with your mates then grow a pair, get off the couch, put some trousers on and just fuckin do it, don’t lie to your missus and do it behind her back “online”!

• Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact (Based on a survey of over 100,000 men)
• Man-Flu is not ‘just a cold’. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the rain-forest. And probably loads of monkeys too.
• Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognised as a ‘Mild Girly Sniffle’ – which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.
• Men do not ‘moan’ when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain they are in.
• Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it
• More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast**).
• Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known.
• In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head literally fell off.
• Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting ‘lady medicines’ like Lemsip, so don’t bother trying to force them on a victim of Man-Flu.
• While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying ‘Diagnosis Murder’ it is a commonly recognised medical fact that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke’s voice has remarkable soothing powers.

** By the way, someone has choked to death on toast!!!

The Birmingham Mail says so. Why does he look so happy in the photo? Obviously it was before he realised you could choke on toast!

Personally I would like to have seen hilary get it… Not in that way!!! But I guess someone who has a few bad days a month being in charge of the worlds foremost nuclear arsenal could be seen as a bad thing.

It’s interesting to note though, that a person who has a few bad days every month and a non-black black guy both outdid a decorated war pensioner in the popularity contest.